barbara Herrera
Learning your baby’s likes and dislikes, reading cues before they are obvious to others, knowing a look in your baby’s eyes or an intonation of a cry—all are aspects of sensitivity. Other aspects include being able to allow your child age-appropriate exploration of the world without interference, and knowing the difference between a baby who wants to do something on his own and one who wants help. Sensitivity can be an arena where our personal histories unwittingly undermine our ability to form secure attachments.
According to data, roughly 65 percent of us have secure attachment styles, which also means that about a third of us do not. This is not about
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judgment or accusation. We are able to give only what we have been given, or what we’ve learned to give through healing. So many of us, like our parents before us, have unexplored limitations and struggles within relationships. Our relationships with our children intensify those struggles, bringing to consciousness all that we’ve remained unaware of but that is still painful and unresolved in our life.
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Imagine this scenario: You are near a mother whose baby is crying when the mother says something like “She’s just trying to manipulate me” or “She’s spoiled” or “She’s a bad girl.” You may be aghast and wonder how a mother could be so insensitive. Yet in most cases this is not a process of awareness. This mother believes she is making an accurate assessment of who that baby is—filtered, of course, through the mother’s own internal working model. Every parent faces this challenge to sensitivity, though some of us are less hampered by past constraints, and some of us have insensitive moments that aren’t as obvious as others. The key is to ask yourself: Are you perceiving things from your baby’s point of view, or are you reacting to your own internal noise or feelings?
The last step is responsiveness. This is the
follow-through: Can we respond to the signals
we pick up? This is where bad advice, external interference, and mainstream guidance often get in our way. Many strategies for parenting found in books, television programs, websites, and family lore guide parents toward establishing control, routine, and maintenance of power, with many specifically asking parents to ignore sensitive communication, and to tune out instead of respond. It is not enough to be sensitive, then refuse to respond. Naturally, there will be times when responsiveness is impossible or temporarily on hold. We may have to put the baby down to answer the phone, or the baby may wake crying while we are in the shower. However, these sorts of nonresponsive situations are not patterns of relating, and it is the overall patterns that we focus on.
In the last
20 to 30 years, huge advances
in neurology have been made
that have taught us the vital
importance of early relationships
and how our genetic
potential is shaped by our early experiences.
One of the most potent ways that we have come to know that sensitive, responsive relationships lead to attachment security and ongoing health throughout life is through the study of the human brain. In the last 20 to 30 years, huge advances in neurology have been made that have taught us the vital importance of early relationships and how our genetic potential is shaped by our early experiences. In years gone by, academics
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argued about nature vs. nurture, wondering which made us who we are. Now we know that it is both. A combination of genes and experience, unfolding in complex and unique ways, creates whom we grow to become. The human brain is unlike any other organ in the body. While other organs are fully formed at birth, the human brain adds 70 percent of its structure after birth. Hence our genetic
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potential is expressed via our experiences.
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Positive, nurturing parental response impacts the brain in two very important ways: It decreases the impact of subsequent stress
While other organs
are fully formed
at birth, the human brain adds 70 percent
of its structure
after birth. Hence our genetic
potential is expressed via our experiences.
HollIs Healy
References:
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